YOU DID WHAT!!???!

Lets take a trip back down memory lane..or back to July 2011. I've been talking/dating/?? to this guy for over a year by this point. We'd had our good times and our bad (oh did we ever have our bad)-and this situation is slightly complicated. He may or may not live with another woman, yet they are not together? But they have a child together. (make that 2)

I didn't know about the living situation once we started talking-that fact came out a little later. Neither did I know that he was still sleeping with her? (baby number 2 made that quite apparent).

So anyways, to cut to the chase, at a time in our "relationship" (yet he denies it was ever a relationship) where we were suppose to be exclusive, baby mama turns up pregnant.. again. I don't know how that happened when he was suppose to be ONLY sleeping with me? That was our deal..so I thought? Okay Okay back to the story. So July roles around and he breaks the news to me. He typed out a full page, single spaced letter about how sorry he was and how she was pregnant and how he only slept with her a couple times and how could I expect them not to if they live together. (I DON'T KNOW!- Maybe it was the fact that you SAID WE WERE EXCLUSIVE!!!????) Then he told me how much he loved me and how I should stop messing with him because he was clearly just trouble. ( Challenge Accepted!) and then proceeded to cry as he was telling me all of this.

Naturally, my first reaction was WHAT THE FUCK!??

(I think this baby captures my exact look, thoughts and emotions at that very moment)


 

Then my next thought was, "Can I kill him and get away with it??" which shortly progressed into tears and sadness as I knew our "relationship" would never be the same.

If i typed out the entire history of our lives together, I would be typing till Christmas. The reason I'm posting this now, is that the baby was just recently born 3 days ago and I don't know how to act. I don't know who to talk to or who to confide in. I am torn apart emotionally. I hate that I still like this guy, but I've tried to let him go. I do okay for a moment or too, but then I miss him uncontrollably.
(another thing I should add about our history is back in October, he drunkenly verbally abused me and told me I was too much for him to handle emotionally and to never call him again-so what did I do? I didn't. I gave him space. and he came crawling back to me.)

But I never wanted to be that woman that let a man control her. That let a man manipulate or or make her into someone she isn't. He should like me for me, right? I guess I don't simply know how to act in this situation. I can see what he's doing to me and I know it isn't right, but I love this man and care for him more than I've cared for anyone. So I guess at this point, I'm just going to keep being stupid and see where it takes me.

xoxo
hopefully hopeless