I have to bake this cake

So I baked a cake yesterday. Pineapple upside down cake. Never made it before but it's his favorite and I wanted to make something special for him. Why? I'm not quite sure. Maybe to show him I care and maybe just to win him over in some fairy tale world in my head. Or maybe I did it to try my best to pull a compliment out of him? I'm not so sure but whatever the reason, it was calming and relaxing.

Relaxing. That's something I don't spend much time doing anymore. I spent yesterday morning crying my eyes out, trying not to literally crawl into a fetal position and wish my day away. I was so sad and so lonely-so naturally my first thought was food. I remembered this was his favorite cake and so I knew I had to make it. So I got my self up, put make up on, brushed my teeth, threw my hair into a bun and got to work. (mind you I had been up since 6:30 on a Sunday so this was about 9:30am) There is something just so soothing, and reassuring about baking. Maybe it's the recipe. The specific instructions about how it is suppose to be made. There are rules, there are steps to follow, there is a fool proof plan. That's it. I feel safe when I bake. I feel like the world has a purpose, an order, and that my life isn't as chaotic or unknown as I know it is.

I hate the unknown. I hate not knowing what is going to happen next. I've been that way my entire life. I get anxious about anything and everything, especially when it comes to boys. I over analyze everything. And i think this is why baking soothes me. It calms me as i follow the instructions step by step. Why isn't there a recipe book for life? That's what I need to do. Make a cook book, step by step, guide for life. I should get on this, ASAP.

This weekend wasn't my best or proudest moment. I was a walking, talking (more like crying) wreck of emotions and I simply don't quite know what to do about it. Until then though, guess I'll keep calm and keep baking.

xoxo
hopefully hopeless