This isn't fair.

I know life isn't fair. I've known this since day 1. but gosh darnit when am I going to catch a break? When is life going to quit sucking and actually mean something?

As I typed that, I realized its up to me to make life not suck anymore and to just choose to be happy and live my life. BUT I CAN'T. How sad is this!?! I know what I need to do but I can't.

I know I need to just move on. But I can't do it. I miss him everytime I'm not with him. and I cry everytime he ignores me. Why can't I just move on? I am in pain. I am suffering. This isn't fair.

My life probably couldn't be in more of a wreck except if I was doing drugs, but in a way it feels like I am. I am addicted. I am addicted to him, to love, to feeling like I am important. I CAN'T KEEP LIVING THIS WAY. What happened to me? What caused this? Why me? This isn't fair.

I hang on his every word. I don't trust him. He says "I'll call you"-I don't believe him. He says he'll hit me up- I don't believe him. I don't believe ANYTHING he says anymore. I am so done with this. I am so hurt. This isn't fair.

But I don't know how to be done with him. I don't know what "done with him" actually means or feels like. I am so broken. So worthless. I don't even see the point of going on. How can I be in this much pain because of him and he feels nothing? How is this fair? How is it okay that I can't function yet he strings me a long like a little dog on a leash? This isn't fair. 

When will I ever be important to him? When will I ever be enough? I know the answer. Never.
When will my all be acceptable for him? Never. When will I be treated like a woman? NEVER. All I want is respect-so why do I let myself be treated this way? I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS.
But I have to believe that statement in order for it to be true. And I don't. This isn't fair.

Oh the irony right now as I write this and the rain falls outside my window. All I ask for is a little bit of his time. I just ask for him to want to see me. But why do I think thats a reasonable request when he has another life. He has other people. I'm not his main concern like he is mine. And that has to stop. I am beyond repair. I am beyond redemption. I am gone. This isn't fair.