When the Pain is Gone

I keep wondering when the pain will be gone. When will I not hurt? When will I feel like getting up out of this bed? Answer-never. Now I now that's not true, but I can't help but feel that way. I am miserable. All I want to do is lay in my bed, cry and think about the past. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.  I know it's not. But when will this pain be gone? When will these tears stop flowing, this heart stop hurting and this life return to normal? I don't know the answer. I have to let go-but I can't. I just simply can't stop thinking about him. About how much I love him, how much he means to me, how much I love every single second I spend with him. And it's not fair, because he doesn't think about me. Yes, he may like me and think about me occasionally, but he does not love me. How can he? He has two baby girls to love. There isn't room for me in his life. Or at least not the amount of room I would require.

I was thinking last night, he makes it so difficult for me to get over him. For example, he has called me beautiful multiple times this week (which he never use to do) and he came over Friday night and Saturday morning to hang out for a couple hours. Just him and me. Laying in bed talking, playing on the computer, listening to music-like old times. He obviously has feelings for me, but he also clearly has other things that are more important. Do I think I am the main girl he likes? Yes. I do feel that way because he spends time over here with me. He texts me and calls me. But do I feel like I'm the only one? Yes and no.. I feel like I am the main one, but I don't know whether to believe him or not. Then I text him this morning asking him about a cake I want to make him, and I have yet to have a text back from him. Idk if he is asleep or just busy-but I get anxious over things like that. I get anxious that he's never going to text me back. THIS IS SO STUPID! When will all this pain be gone?

I am broken. I am depressed. I am not worthy. I will never be good enough for someone and someone will never love me back as much as I love them. I have no trust anymore. I do not trust any other human being. I am in pain. I am shattered. When will this pain be gone?

xoxo
hopefully hopeless