If I had a penny for every tear

Tears. Tears. Tears.
Cry. Cry. Cry.
Repeat.

I read once that crying isn't a sign of weakness, its just a sign that you've fought a tough fight. I must be a freaking warrior.

Tears roll down my cheeks daily. Over this or that, but always over something. I am a disaster, a wreck, constantly. Something always sets me off or makes me think I am not worthy. I am not quite sure what to do at this point.

I try to trust you. But you don't give me the love or respect I deserve. So then I try to move on, and that is a failure as well.

So instead, I just cry. I cry because I miss you. I cry because I mess everything up, repeatedly. I simply cry because I don't know what else to do.

So from today forward, I will stop crying over you. I will let things be. I will not worry about where you are or who you are with, but instead, I have to love myself. I have to love who I am and what I am, without you. This is going to be rough. But this is what I need.

If only I had a penny for every tear I've shed over you..

Love is Everything.

Irony at its finest.

I see a picture of you and your daughter with the caption "Love is Everything".
THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.

Love is everything. Everything to me. Everything I want in life.
You have your daughter when times get rough. You have a purpose in life. You have the life I want.
You have everything I want. I have accepted your mistakes, your flaws. I have accepted your daughter (now daughters) and I have never once asked you to put them before me. So when you said that last night, it broke me. I have done nothing but love you and love you for the person you are and for the mistakes you have made. What else am I suppose to do? You know I have never once come between you and your daughter. All I've asked for is love.

When will I be enough for you? When will my efforts be acknowledged and my love accepted? I have waited and waited, and my love for you has grown, but not without consequence. I am broken. I am a wreck. I am never going to be the person I want to be. Loving you has been the easiest and hardest thing I have ever chosen to do in my life. I am a strong person, but sometimes I wonder if I am confusing strong with stupid. Stupid for falling for an unavailable man. Stupid for putting more into the relationship than I could ever imagine getting back. stupid for thinking my life is better with you. That last statement is a rough one for me. Is my life better with you? I think yes. But looking at it logically, probably no.

Am I stupid enough to let this continue? Am I really that weak? I like to think no. But I know what is wrong in my life but I am not strong enough or willing to change it. I simply don't know what to do without you. But life with you is a struggle every day.

So I've reached this breaking point. I have fucked up enough when it comes to you. I can't keep doing this the way I have been. His life is the life I want but the life I can't have. I have decided to let him go-as best I can. This isn't easy for me. This isn't going to be simple. I've cried more the last week than I have in the past 3 months. But this is something I have to do. I told him that he can call me when he wants to hang out and I'll let him be. So far.. its been 24 hours and I am miserable. But the first couple days are always the hardest. I think I can do this. I have to do this.

This isn't fair.

I know life isn't fair. I've known this since day 1. but gosh darnit when am I going to catch a break? When is life going to quit sucking and actually mean something?

As I typed that, I realized its up to me to make life not suck anymore and to just choose to be happy and live my life. BUT I CAN'T. How sad is this!?! I know what I need to do but I can't.

I know I need to just move on. But I can't do it. I miss him everytime I'm not with him. and I cry everytime he ignores me. Why can't I just move on? I am in pain. I am suffering. This isn't fair.

My life probably couldn't be in more of a wreck except if I was doing drugs, but in a way it feels like I am. I am addicted. I am addicted to him, to love, to feeling like I am important. I CAN'T KEEP LIVING THIS WAY. What happened to me? What caused this? Why me? This isn't fair.

I hang on his every word. I don't trust him. He says "I'll call you"-I don't believe him. He says he'll hit me up- I don't believe him. I don't believe ANYTHING he says anymore. I am so done with this. I am so hurt. This isn't fair.

But I don't know how to be done with him. I don't know what "done with him" actually means or feels like. I am so broken. So worthless. I don't even see the point of going on. How can I be in this much pain because of him and he feels nothing? How is this fair? How is it okay that I can't function yet he strings me a long like a little dog on a leash? This isn't fair. 

When will I ever be important to him? When will I ever be enough? I know the answer. Never.
When will my all be acceptable for him? Never. When will I be treated like a woman? NEVER. All I want is respect-so why do I let myself be treated this way? I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS.
But I have to believe that statement in order for it to be true. And I don't. This isn't fair.

Oh the irony right now as I write this and the rain falls outside my window. All I ask for is a little bit of his time. I just ask for him to want to see me. But why do I think thats a reasonable request when he has another life. He has other people. I'm not his main concern like he is mine. And that has to stop. I am beyond repair. I am beyond redemption. I am gone. This isn't fair.

I hate you. I think.

I hate you. or just the fact that you don't think about me. I hate knowing that I think about you all the time, yet you don't think about me, ever. Why do I think about you? Why do I do this to myself?? I know you don't think about me. How could you-you have 100 million things going on daily. But I guess I like to think I'm special in a way that you would think of me, text me daily, call me just to say whats up? I don't know. I guess act like you do care.

But he does care. Because the moment I type that, I remember how just on Saturday night he came over and hung out and was being so sweet and kind to me. But that's how he operates. He controls me, mentally. He does nice things to keep me around.

Okay so I'm acting like he's been mean to me-which it's actually been quite the opposite. He's been very busy with the new baby. I understand that. But I guess I am just incredibly jealous of a 2 week old baby. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!??!? This isn't fair. What attracts me most to him is also the thing that causes problems between us.

Okay-point blank. We will never be together. But at the same time its complicated because he does care about me and does like me. but to be completely honest, I MUST LET HIM GO. I don't have to let him go completely.. I just have to be not emotionally attached or hurt if he doesn't call me or text me every day. WE WILL ALWAYS BE FRIENDS and we will always be attracted to each other, but in the end I can't let my feelings get the best of me. I am one of his closest friends and he does call me and does hang out with me. And we are good friends, but we can't ever be official. At least not for 10+ years;)

Writing this out really helps me understand the ridiculousness that is my life. I am okay with where things are, I think. But I also think I hate him. I can do this though. I can be strong and hold my emotions back. He will eventually text or call me. He always does. And when he does, I'll be okay. I think.

xoxo
hopefully hopeless

2:23am Phone Calls

Call me crazy, but I love being awakened from my deep slumber (okay who am I kidding.. my head had barely hit the pillow), but anyways-i love waking up to a phone call from someone you like. That happened this morning at approximately 2:23am. I rolled over, looked at my phone, saw a picture I hadn't seen in quite some time and clicked the big green button that said ANSWER. I was thrilled that this someone had called me.

We had been "talking" for about the last 2 months-had decided to become officially "together" and then shit got real, as they say. He lost his job, he felt inferior and he told me I deserved better (part of me wonders if it was just another girl or what?), but anyways, we decided not to date anymore. Things have been rocky the last week and a half or so and we finally have started talking/text occasionally. I had called him earlier that day to just chat-to catch up on life and to just hear his voice. Oh how I miss him and his voice. But that's another story. We talked for a bit, he texted me after we hung up and then i politely told him goodnight as I began to make my way to my bed later that night. So obviously it surprised me when he had called me at 2:23 am this morning. Me, being half asleep, was probably not the most conversationalist person ever, but I remember our conversation. It's a funny one.

"Hey sorry to wake you" "It's okay I should be up anyways (clearly that was the sleep talking)" **small talk** "well I didn't know who else to call" "about what?" "I'm having a weird pain (he proceeded to explain to me but pretty sure I fell asleep for those 30 seconds) in my right arm. Am I having a heart attack? I figured you would know." **ARE YOU HAVING A HEART ATTACK??? you called me for that!??** "well I don't think so.. for females its the left arm. but I'm pretty sure you aren't having a heart attack"
I proceeded to explain to him I highly doubt he was having a heart attack and I'm glad he called me (and all my medical knowledge self). We chit chatted for a bit-he told me to have an amazing day tomorrow and he remembered everything I had told him I was going to do. It got me thinking, I wonder if he really does still like me? Does he like me or not?? Because I woke up clearly thinking about him, even so much so as I contemplated calling and waking him up just like old times (but be proud, I resisted). It makes things so much more difficult.

 I just don't know what to think, what to do, or how to feel. As of right now, I'll settle for a 2:23am phone call every once in a while.

xoxo
hopefully hopeless

I have to bake this cake

So I baked a cake yesterday. Pineapple upside down cake. Never made it before but it's his favorite and I wanted to make something special for him. Why? I'm not quite sure. Maybe to show him I care and maybe just to win him over in some fairy tale world in my head. Or maybe I did it to try my best to pull a compliment out of him? I'm not so sure but whatever the reason, it was calming and relaxing.

Relaxing. That's something I don't spend much time doing anymore. I spent yesterday morning crying my eyes out, trying not to literally crawl into a fetal position and wish my day away. I was so sad and so lonely-so naturally my first thought was food. I remembered this was his favorite cake and so I knew I had to make it. So I got my self up, put make up on, brushed my teeth, threw my hair into a bun and got to work. (mind you I had been up since 6:30 on a Sunday so this was about 9:30am) There is something just so soothing, and reassuring about baking. Maybe it's the recipe. The specific instructions about how it is suppose to be made. There are rules, there are steps to follow, there is a fool proof plan. That's it. I feel safe when I bake. I feel like the world has a purpose, an order, and that my life isn't as chaotic or unknown as I know it is.

I hate the unknown. I hate not knowing what is going to happen next. I've been that way my entire life. I get anxious about anything and everything, especially when it comes to boys. I over analyze everything. And i think this is why baking soothes me. It calms me as i follow the instructions step by step. Why isn't there a recipe book for life? That's what I need to do. Make a cook book, step by step, guide for life. I should get on this, ASAP.

This weekend wasn't my best or proudest moment. I was a walking, talking (more like crying) wreck of emotions and I simply don't quite know what to do about it. Until then though, guess I'll keep calm and keep baking.

xoxo
hopefully hopeless

When the Pain is Gone

I keep wondering when the pain will be gone. When will I not hurt? When will I feel like getting up out of this bed? Answer-never. Now I now that's not true, but I can't help but feel that way. I am miserable. All I want to do is lay in my bed, cry and think about the past. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.  I know it's not. But when will this pain be gone? When will these tears stop flowing, this heart stop hurting and this life return to normal? I don't know the answer. I have to let go-but I can't. I just simply can't stop thinking about him. About how much I love him, how much he means to me, how much I love every single second I spend with him. And it's not fair, because he doesn't think about me. Yes, he may like me and think about me occasionally, but he does not love me. How can he? He has two baby girls to love. There isn't room for me in his life. Or at least not the amount of room I would require.

I was thinking last night, he makes it so difficult for me to get over him. For example, he has called me beautiful multiple times this week (which he never use to do) and he came over Friday night and Saturday morning to hang out for a couple hours. Just him and me. Laying in bed talking, playing on the computer, listening to music-like old times. He obviously has feelings for me, but he also clearly has other things that are more important. Do I think I am the main girl he likes? Yes. I do feel that way because he spends time over here with me. He texts me and calls me. But do I feel like I'm the only one? Yes and no.. I feel like I am the main one, but I don't know whether to believe him or not. Then I text him this morning asking him about a cake I want to make him, and I have yet to have a text back from him. Idk if he is asleep or just busy-but I get anxious over things like that. I get anxious that he's never going to text me back. THIS IS SO STUPID! When will all this pain be gone?

I am broken. I am depressed. I am not worthy. I will never be good enough for someone and someone will never love me back as much as I love them. I have no trust anymore. I do not trust any other human being. I am in pain. I am shattered. When will this pain be gone?

xoxo
hopefully hopeless

Done. Again

I don't know how many times I've used these words "I'm Done" in reference to this guy, but pretty sure I'm about hit the bakers dozen. What am I suppose to do? YOU HAVE 2 BABY MAMA'S AND THREE KIDS! and you call your one baby mama babe and say "muah" to her and you live with the baby mama you have TWO FREAKIN KIDS WITH!!! Am I dumb or what??!! to even think that you would want to be with me?? That you can be with me?? That I am even want to be with you?? Yeah, I am dumb as fuck. Dumb as a box of rocks. But the sad thing is, I know I am. I know I am being dumb. I know I deserve better-but he is the ONLY man that pays me any attention (even if the attention is rare, sporadic or even bad attention). Why must I do this to myself. Why must I be in love with a man with more baggage than the busiest terminal in JFK?

When will I learn my lesson? Why am I not strong enough to move on? Why can't I be happy.
Yep, these are all things I ask myself daily. I am physically in pain as I sit her writing this blog. My heart is physically hurting. And the sad thing is, I can't talk to him about it because he will just get mad at me. I can't mention it to him because he will just be mad at me. I can't tell him how I feel, because I already know how he feels. I might be his "main chick" but I want to be his only chick. I know he cares about me, because he showed it when I was dating someone else, but I also know this isn't healthy for me. I miss him. Every second of every day. I just want to be good enough for someone-but I never have been and I never will be.

I just want to be loved and to love somebody. I don't want to be what is convenient for him. I want to be what he has to work for and the person someone prides themselves for being with. I am worth that. I think. He has broken me down into a person I barely even recognize. I don't know what to do anymore. I am a wreck with him and I am a wreck without him. But luckily for me, I'll never be good enough to be with him..just him.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Maybe I'll figure it out someday.
But for now, I have to be strong (aka cry NOT in public) and try my best to move on without him.
He isn't good for me. Why can't I see that!??

xoxo
hopefully hopeless

YOU DID WHAT!!???!

Lets take a trip back down memory lane..or back to July 2011. I've been talking/dating/?? to this guy for over a year by this point. We'd had our good times and our bad (oh did we ever have our bad)-and this situation is slightly complicated. He may or may not live with another woman, yet they are not together? But they have a child together. (make that 2)

I didn't know about the living situation once we started talking-that fact came out a little later. Neither did I know that he was still sleeping with her? (baby number 2 made that quite apparent).

So anyways, to cut to the chase, at a time in our "relationship" (yet he denies it was ever a relationship) where we were suppose to be exclusive, baby mama turns up pregnant.. again. I don't know how that happened when he was suppose to be ONLY sleeping with me? That was our deal..so I thought? Okay Okay back to the story. So July roles around and he breaks the news to me. He typed out a full page, single spaced letter about how sorry he was and how she was pregnant and how he only slept with her a couple times and how could I expect them not to if they live together. (I DON'T KNOW!- Maybe it was the fact that you SAID WE WERE EXCLUSIVE!!!????) Then he told me how much he loved me and how I should stop messing with him because he was clearly just trouble. ( Challenge Accepted!) and then proceeded to cry as he was telling me all of this.

Naturally, my first reaction was WHAT THE FUCK!??

(I think this baby captures my exact look, thoughts and emotions at that very moment)


 

Then my next thought was, "Can I kill him and get away with it??" which shortly progressed into tears and sadness as I knew our "relationship" would never be the same.

If i typed out the entire history of our lives together, I would be typing till Christmas. The reason I'm posting this now, is that the baby was just recently born 3 days ago and I don't know how to act. I don't know who to talk to or who to confide in. I am torn apart emotionally. I hate that I still like this guy, but I've tried to let him go. I do okay for a moment or too, but then I miss him uncontrollably.
(another thing I should add about our history is back in October, he drunkenly verbally abused me and told me I was too much for him to handle emotionally and to never call him again-so what did I do? I didn't. I gave him space. and he came crawling back to me.)

But I never wanted to be that woman that let a man control her. That let a man manipulate or or make her into someone she isn't. He should like me for me, right? I guess I don't simply know how to act in this situation. I can see what he's doing to me and I know it isn't right, but I love this man and care for him more than I've cared for anyone. So I guess at this point, I'm just going to keep being stupid and see where it takes me.

xoxo
hopefully hopeless