Done. Again

I don't know how many times I've used these words "I'm Done" in reference to this guy, but pretty sure I'm about hit the bakers dozen. What am I suppose to do? YOU HAVE 2 BABY MAMA'S AND THREE KIDS! and you call your one baby mama babe and say "muah" to her and you live with the baby mama you have TWO FREAKIN KIDS WITH!!! Am I dumb or what??!! to even think that you would want to be with me?? That you can be with me?? That I am even want to be with you?? Yeah, I am dumb as fuck. Dumb as a box of rocks. But the sad thing is, I know I am. I know I am being dumb. I know I deserve better-but he is the ONLY man that pays me any attention (even if the attention is rare, sporadic or even bad attention). Why must I do this to myself. Why must I be in love with a man with more baggage than the busiest terminal in JFK?

When will I learn my lesson? Why am I not strong enough to move on? Why can't I be happy.
Yep, these are all things I ask myself daily. I am physically in pain as I sit her writing this blog. My heart is physically hurting. And the sad thing is, I can't talk to him about it because he will just get mad at me. I can't mention it to him because he will just be mad at me. I can't tell him how I feel, because I already know how he feels. I might be his "main chick" but I want to be his only chick. I know he cares about me, because he showed it when I was dating someone else, but I also know this isn't healthy for me. I miss him. Every second of every day. I just want to be good enough for someone-but I never have been and I never will be.

I just want to be loved and to love somebody. I don't want to be what is convenient for him. I want to be what he has to work for and the person someone prides themselves for being with. I am worth that. I think. He has broken me down into a person I barely even recognize. I don't know what to do anymore. I am a wreck with him and I am a wreck without him. But luckily for me, I'll never be good enough to be with him..just him.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Maybe I'll figure it out someday.
But for now, I have to be strong (aka cry NOT in public) and try my best to move on without him.
He isn't good for me. Why can't I see that!??

xoxo
hopefully hopeless