I hate you. I think.

I hate you. or just the fact that you don't think about me. I hate knowing that I think about you all the time, yet you don't think about me, ever. Why do I think about you? Why do I do this to myself?? I know you don't think about me. How could you-you have 100 million things going on daily. But I guess I like to think I'm special in a way that you would think of me, text me daily, call me just to say whats up? I don't know. I guess act like you do care.

But he does care. Because the moment I type that, I remember how just on Saturday night he came over and hung out and was being so sweet and kind to me. But that's how he operates. He controls me, mentally. He does nice things to keep me around.

Okay so I'm acting like he's been mean to me-which it's actually been quite the opposite. He's been very busy with the new baby. I understand that. But I guess I am just incredibly jealous of a 2 week old baby. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!??!? This isn't fair. What attracts me most to him is also the thing that causes problems between us.

Okay-point blank. We will never be together. But at the same time its complicated because he does care about me and does like me. but to be completely honest, I MUST LET HIM GO. I don't have to let him go completely.. I just have to be not emotionally attached or hurt if he doesn't call me or text me every day. WE WILL ALWAYS BE FRIENDS and we will always be attracted to each other, but in the end I can't let my feelings get the best of me. I am one of his closest friends and he does call me and does hang out with me. And we are good friends, but we can't ever be official. At least not for 10+ years;)

Writing this out really helps me understand the ridiculousness that is my life. I am okay with where things are, I think. But I also think I hate him. I can do this though. I can be strong and hold my emotions back. He will eventually text or call me. He always does. And when he does, I'll be okay. I think.

xoxo
hopefully hopeless