I Am Nothing.

Crying everyday. Thinking about you daily. I can't give you up.
This isn't normal right?
Not everyone cries daily? Or thinks about the word "suicide", right?
Maybe I'm crazy. No, wait. I am crazy.
Maybe I'm anxious. No, wait. I am anxious.
Maybe I'm not worth enough. No, wait. I never was.

I'm to the point where I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle the thoughts in my head. I drive around crying, aimlessly wandering, hoping I'll find me way.
I sit in the floor, crying as I think about all the things I wish my life was. How I realize I have no friends. I have no one. No friends. No lovers. Nobody who cares. I am alone.
I've never felt as alone as I do now.
I am not good enough for any person to love. For any person to want to be with me. For any person to even talk to me. I am nothing.

Death. Death is something I think about. Probably too often. The emotional pain I suffer has turned into physical pains that are so overwhelming I don't quite know what to do. I don't know how to tell anyone or who even to tell. I've hinted at this to friends--but they are so self absorbed in their own life, they fail to recognize the sadness.

It's a daily struggle to get out of bed, to make it through the day, to act like I am alive. Because I am not. I am dead inside. I am broken, I am wounded, and I am destroyed. I can't be fix. No glue or duct tape can fix the pieces I am in. I am worthless. Hopeless. Not worth anyones time.
I am incapable of loving and of being loved. I don't deserve to have anyone care for me.
I am a screw up. I am a fuck up. I don't deserve to be alive.
I can't do this anymore. The pain is too much. I don't know what to do. I can't live like this. I can't suffer this pain any longer.

My life isn't worth it. I am nothing.

Responsibilities and Shit

Goodness I haven't blogged in a minute!
A lot has changed since the last time I got on here.
That boy (yes, i said boy. He is definitely not a man) and I are no longer speaking.
I kicked him to the curb. I let myself have the last word..which feels amazing.
You want to disrespect me and say hurtful things?? NOT ANYMORE. You said all you need to say. I know who the better person is and I know who I am and what you are. You, my friend, are a low life, user who clearly doesn't understand how to respect a woman.
Clearly, I mean you live with one now and have gotten her pregnant twice and YOU STILL FUCK AROUND ON HER?? Can't respect her enough to man up and be together..just fuck her? You are one unfortunate person.
I feel stupid for falling for your shit, i mean clearly you agree..considering your exact words were "I can't believe you feel for all my lies."
You are someone who clearly isn't happy with themselves. You lie, you elaborate and you don't man up when you are wrong or make a mistake. You are not a man. You never will be.

It's comical how I've asked you to go do things with me, go hiking with me, go out with me..yet you say you have responsibilities. KIDS, RIGHT?? then why the fuck are you going out now? Drinking with other bitches, tweeting about other bitches?? Thought you loved your kids? That shit is comical. Clearly you are a fucked up individual, and I was sick of being brought down to your level.

Yes I was dumb. Yes, I made mistakes. But i gave you everything and took nothing..you did the complete opposite. You owe me $230. Who paid for your cap and gown? Not your babies mama.. not your mom or dad..ME. I did. because I thought you cared. I WILL NEVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.

I hate throwing away all my memories from college, because you are in 99% of them. But fuck it, I need to be happy.

I'm so proud of myself. I have left the most hurtful man I've ever known and I am trying to get better. I think I am worthy enough, but you never did. All you did was say mean, hurtful things... saying degrading, sexually abusive things. YOU LEFT ME NO CHOICE.
I hate that it still bugs me to see your posts on twitter. But I don't know how not to look. That's next on the list. I've learned to live without you on a daily basis.. i can do this.

I know you'll never read this.. but in case you ever do. Your sex WASN'T that good. I lied to you to make you feel better. Wish I could tell you the truth.. because unlike you.. I don't like to see people upset. I don't like to put others down to make me feel better about my pathetic, welfare fated, epitome of ghetto blackness life that you always said you were above. Too bad for you, you've fallen. 

If I had a penny for every tear

Tears. Tears. Tears.
Cry. Cry. Cry.
Repeat.

I read once that crying isn't a sign of weakness, its just a sign that you've fought a tough fight. I must be a freaking warrior.

Tears roll down my cheeks daily. Over this or that, but always over something. I am a disaster, a wreck, constantly. Something always sets me off or makes me think I am not worthy. I am not quite sure what to do at this point.

I try to trust you. But you don't give me the love or respect I deserve. So then I try to move on, and that is a failure as well.

So instead, I just cry. I cry because I miss you. I cry because I mess everything up, repeatedly. I simply cry because I don't know what else to do.

So from today forward, I will stop crying over you. I will let things be. I will not worry about where you are or who you are with, but instead, I have to love myself. I have to love who I am and what I am, without you. This is going to be rough. But this is what I need.

If only I had a penny for every tear I've shed over you..

Love is Everything.

Irony at its finest.

I see a picture of you and your daughter with the caption "Love is Everything".
THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.

Love is everything. Everything to me. Everything I want in life.
You have your daughter when times get rough. You have a purpose in life. You have the life I want.
You have everything I want. I have accepted your mistakes, your flaws. I have accepted your daughter (now daughters) and I have never once asked you to put them before me. So when you said that last night, it broke me. I have done nothing but love you and love you for the person you are and for the mistakes you have made. What else am I suppose to do? You know I have never once come between you and your daughter. All I've asked for is love.

When will I be enough for you? When will my efforts be acknowledged and my love accepted? I have waited and waited, and my love for you has grown, but not without consequence. I am broken. I am a wreck. I am never going to be the person I want to be. Loving you has been the easiest and hardest thing I have ever chosen to do in my life. I am a strong person, but sometimes I wonder if I am confusing strong with stupid. Stupid for falling for an unavailable man. Stupid for putting more into the relationship than I could ever imagine getting back. stupid for thinking my life is better with you. That last statement is a rough one for me. Is my life better with you? I think yes. But looking at it logically, probably no.

Am I stupid enough to let this continue? Am I really that weak? I like to think no. But I know what is wrong in my life but I am not strong enough or willing to change it. I simply don't know what to do without you. But life with you is a struggle every day.

So I've reached this breaking point. I have fucked up enough when it comes to you. I can't keep doing this the way I have been. His life is the life I want but the life I can't have. I have decided to let him go-as best I can. This isn't easy for me. This isn't going to be simple. I've cried more the last week than I have in the past 3 months. But this is something I have to do. I told him that he can call me when he wants to hang out and I'll let him be. So far.. its been 24 hours and I am miserable. But the first couple days are always the hardest. I think I can do this. I have to do this.

This isn't fair.

I know life isn't fair. I've known this since day 1. but gosh darnit when am I going to catch a break? When is life going to quit sucking and actually mean something?

As I typed that, I realized its up to me to make life not suck anymore and to just choose to be happy and live my life. BUT I CAN'T. How sad is this!?! I know what I need to do but I can't.

I know I need to just move on. But I can't do it. I miss him everytime I'm not with him. and I cry everytime he ignores me. Why can't I just move on? I am in pain. I am suffering. This isn't fair.

My life probably couldn't be in more of a wreck except if I was doing drugs, but in a way it feels like I am. I am addicted. I am addicted to him, to love, to feeling like I am important. I CAN'T KEEP LIVING THIS WAY. What happened to me? What caused this? Why me? This isn't fair.

I hang on his every word. I don't trust him. He says "I'll call you"-I don't believe him. He says he'll hit me up- I don't believe him. I don't believe ANYTHING he says anymore. I am so done with this. I am so hurt. This isn't fair.

But I don't know how to be done with him. I don't know what "done with him" actually means or feels like. I am so broken. So worthless. I don't even see the point of going on. How can I be in this much pain because of him and he feels nothing? How is this fair? How is it okay that I can't function yet he strings me a long like a little dog on a leash? This isn't fair. 

When will I ever be important to him? When will I ever be enough? I know the answer. Never.
When will my all be acceptable for him? Never. When will I be treated like a woman? NEVER. All I want is respect-so why do I let myself be treated this way? I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS.
But I have to believe that statement in order for it to be true. And I don't. This isn't fair.

Oh the irony right now as I write this and the rain falls outside my window. All I ask for is a little bit of his time. I just ask for him to want to see me. But why do I think thats a reasonable request when he has another life. He has other people. I'm not his main concern like he is mine. And that has to stop. I am beyond repair. I am beyond redemption. I am gone. This isn't fair.

I hate you. I think.

I hate you. or just the fact that you don't think about me. I hate knowing that I think about you all the time, yet you don't think about me, ever. Why do I think about you? Why do I do this to myself?? I know you don't think about me. How could you-you have 100 million things going on daily. But I guess I like to think I'm special in a way that you would think of me, text me daily, call me just to say whats up? I don't know. I guess act like you do care.

But he does care. Because the moment I type that, I remember how just on Saturday night he came over and hung out and was being so sweet and kind to me. But that's how he operates. He controls me, mentally. He does nice things to keep me around.

Okay so I'm acting like he's been mean to me-which it's actually been quite the opposite. He's been very busy with the new baby. I understand that. But I guess I am just incredibly jealous of a 2 week old baby. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!??!? This isn't fair. What attracts me most to him is also the thing that causes problems between us.

Okay-point blank. We will never be together. But at the same time its complicated because he does care about me and does like me. but to be completely honest, I MUST LET HIM GO. I don't have to let him go completely.. I just have to be not emotionally attached or hurt if he doesn't call me or text me every day. WE WILL ALWAYS BE FRIENDS and we will always be attracted to each other, but in the end I can't let my feelings get the best of me. I am one of his closest friends and he does call me and does hang out with me. And we are good friends, but we can't ever be official. At least not for 10+ years;)

Writing this out really helps me understand the ridiculousness that is my life. I am okay with where things are, I think. But I also think I hate him. I can do this though. I can be strong and hold my emotions back. He will eventually text or call me. He always does. And when he does, I'll be okay. I think.

xoxo
hopefully hopeless

2:23am Phone Calls

Call me crazy, but I love being awakened from my deep slumber (okay who am I kidding.. my head had barely hit the pillow), but anyways-i love waking up to a phone call from someone you like. That happened this morning at approximately 2:23am. I rolled over, looked at my phone, saw a picture I hadn't seen in quite some time and clicked the big green button that said ANSWER. I was thrilled that this someone had called me.

We had been "talking" for about the last 2 months-had decided to become officially "together" and then shit got real, as they say. He lost his job, he felt inferior and he told me I deserved better (part of me wonders if it was just another girl or what?), but anyways, we decided not to date anymore. Things have been rocky the last week and a half or so and we finally have started talking/text occasionally. I had called him earlier that day to just chat-to catch up on life and to just hear his voice. Oh how I miss him and his voice. But that's another story. We talked for a bit, he texted me after we hung up and then i politely told him goodnight as I began to make my way to my bed later that night. So obviously it surprised me when he had called me at 2:23 am this morning. Me, being half asleep, was probably not the most conversationalist person ever, but I remember our conversation. It's a funny one.

"Hey sorry to wake you" "It's okay I should be up anyways (clearly that was the sleep talking)" **small talk** "well I didn't know who else to call" "about what?" "I'm having a weird pain (he proceeded to explain to me but pretty sure I fell asleep for those 30 seconds) in my right arm. Am I having a heart attack? I figured you would know." **ARE YOU HAVING A HEART ATTACK??? you called me for that!??** "well I don't think so.. for females its the left arm. but I'm pretty sure you aren't having a heart attack"
I proceeded to explain to him I highly doubt he was having a heart attack and I'm glad he called me (and all my medical knowledge self). We chit chatted for a bit-he told me to have an amazing day tomorrow and he remembered everything I had told him I was going to do. It got me thinking, I wonder if he really does still like me? Does he like me or not?? Because I woke up clearly thinking about him, even so much so as I contemplated calling and waking him up just like old times (but be proud, I resisted). It makes things so much more difficult.

 I just don't know what to think, what to do, or how to feel. As of right now, I'll settle for a 2:23am phone call every once in a while.

xoxo
hopefully hopeless